Do you ever just sit there and think to yourself, "I'm failing at this whole motherhood thing."

I do. All the time.

Part of me wants to just medicate myself into happiness. Take more meds so I can enjoy my kids.

Being a mom is so hard.


The other day I was listening to the Hamilton Soundtrack. I totally get why everyone is loving this play. So far I am loving it as well. There is some language in it, but I have a sneaky suspicion that Isaac is getting me an edited copy for Christmas. Anyway, Toward the end of the song Non-Stop, Angelica Schuyler is singing about how Alexander will never be Satisfied. Its set within the song about how he works and works as if he's running out of time. This song brought me to tears in a way that is hard to define. It was as if she was singing to me about me. I want so much more than to clean the house all day. Dealing with whining fighting children who break my things and make a mess. I'm tired of being the peace maker.

I have been going through a drepressive episode this last week and a half. I’m trying to hide it. But I keep oscillating between anger, anxiety, depression and apathy. I have no desire to move. I’ll exercise, but instead of making me feel better, I just feel anxious. I’ve gotten so angry with people this past week, far more angry than i probably should. I’m supposed to sing for stake women’s conference this weekend but I haven’t even practiced because I don’t have the motivation to sing. I just want to cry instead.

Maybe it’s all the rain we’ve been having. I am a sunshine kind of person. I like to wake up when the sun is already out. Too much grey sky makes me feel blah.

I feel like I’m choking on my own intrusive thoughts, but I can’t bring myself to go to a doctor for updated medicaions because I HATE the looks they give. That fake pity followed by a lecture. Gag me.

I feel like some of my anger is legitimate, but I don’t do anything about what I’m angry about, so bringing up the subjects with the people they involve are pointless. So then I try to get rid of my angrer because it’s no use right? And then I’m sad and anxious or apathetic.

I’m sitting in the parking lot of Walmart trying to get myself to get up and get out of the car. It’s pouring outside, so people will just think the tears on my face are from the rain right?


So glad no one goes on blogger anymore. Wo