Last night was our choir performance at the Lakes Lutheran Church. I had a solo. As the concert was starting, I looked out across the small congregation of people that had come together to hear us. I wondered how many were there because they wanted to, and how many of them were there simply because it was a fund raiser for Lutheran social services or because they knew someone in the choir. I wondered if I would ever get to sing for a large group, on a grand stage. I usually sing in Churches, schools, or hospitals. I felt somewhat embarrassed for a moment. I made the mistake of comparing myself to others that I know. Others that have music videos on Youtube. Others that have sang on large stages. Others that are praised on social media. I felt like their grand platforms for performance made my accomplishments small in comparison.
And then I thought to myself, that it was okay. There is no shame in singing in churches. I have sang in several different churches, for several different denominations. I am coming together with people of all different faiths, sharing with them my testimony. I get to sing Alleluia and Hosanna. I get to sing for people during the intimate moments of their lives. I have sang for funerals and weddings, mission farewells and homecomings.
Next week I will be singing with the Nevada Opera Theatre out at Veterans Memorial Cemetery on Memorial Day. It may not be a performance that is filled with fanfare, but it is one that will be filled with honor. I will be singing for the veterans and the families of those that have passed on. I will be singing at the cemetery that my grandparents are buried. I don’t think many people will be there. But what an honor to sing for those that are.
I decided that I would be humble and never be embarrassed again by where I have sang. I get to praise our God and share his love with so many. I may or may not get to sing on a grand stage for lots of people. It's still something I can work towards. And I can feel happy for those that get to. But if I never get to myself, I refuse to feel embarrassed or inferior. Because in the end, it is those intimate moments that mean the most to people. The performance for the small groups in their churches, their homes, outside their hospital room, by a loved one’s grave, etc. Those are the moments that bring hope, light and love of God. And I get to be a part of that.
Monday, May 19, 2014
Monday, March 31, 2014
Graduate school and stuff
I applied for graduate school this weekend. My letters of recommendation are in. Everything is in order. Now begins the waiting. Normally I'm pretty patient. I don't have a problem waiting until Christmas to find out what I've been given. But when it's something REALLY big, like finding out the gender of my babies, if we got the house we signed for, or getting accepted into Graduate school, I simply can't wait. I realized the other day that I will have my car paid off right around the time I graduate. Which means that our car payment can go towards paying student loans. I keep finding more and more reasons why this is the best program for me to go into. It's like everything is pointing me in this direction. So this is the decision I am going. And I am praying so hard that I am accepted and everything goes as smoothly as it appears it should be.
Preston got his mission call! He's going to the Independence Missouri mission! He leaves July 9th. We are so excited for him. He is going to do so well.
Zion has been sick these last few days, and has been so cranky. Isaac and I aren't getting very good sleep at night, due to Zion waking up frequently. Funny, but Hyrum has been really whinny lately too. Maybe we just need to get out of the house more and get over to the park.
Enoch is in speech therapy now, and his therapists come once a week. He's coming along, but still very far behind. Which I am actually okay with, because that means that he will certainly be accepted for preschool in the fall. I think that preschool will be very good for him. He loves nursery, so I think he would really enjoy being in school.
Ammon is doing well. His reading is coming along. I wish I could say the same for Hyrum. He has NO interest in reading or practicing sight words. Hyrum really has no interest in doing anything really. It's frustrating. I'm letting him watch a video right now, but once I get off, we're going to go work on sight words.
Preston got his mission call! He's going to the Independence Missouri mission! He leaves July 9th. We are so excited for him. He is going to do so well.
Zion has been sick these last few days, and has been so cranky. Isaac and I aren't getting very good sleep at night, due to Zion waking up frequently. Funny, but Hyrum has been really whinny lately too. Maybe we just need to get out of the house more and get over to the park.
Enoch is in speech therapy now, and his therapists come once a week. He's coming along, but still very far behind. Which I am actually okay with, because that means that he will certainly be accepted for preschool in the fall. I think that preschool will be very good for him. He loves nursery, so I think he would really enjoy being in school.
Ammon is doing well. His reading is coming along. I wish I could say the same for Hyrum. He has NO interest in reading or practicing sight words. Hyrum really has no interest in doing anything really. It's frustrating. I'm letting him watch a video right now, but once I get off, we're going to go work on sight words.
Sunday, March 9, 2014
grad school, church and other such things
Where to begin. Hmm…. I have graduated from UNLV. YAY! I feel odd now that I school is over. I am getting everything together to apply for graduate school. I haven’t really told many people about my plans. I wanted to go into research for psychology. It just sounds so cool. And I don’t mind the day to day dealings of inputting data and writing up research papers. Running my own tests and seeing the results of my own work. It just sounds absolutely fascinating to me. But there is a large problem standing in my way. The psychology department wants their grad students to put in two semesters of volunteering in the labs before applying. The volunteering in the lab has a minimum requirement of 10 hours per week. Basically it is a part time job that I don’t get paid for, but I’d still have to find babysitting for. That doesn’t really work for me.
Recently I found a master’s program in Crisis and Emergency Management through the Greenspun College of Urban Affairs over at UNLV that is mostly online and on weekends. The program was designed with working professionals in mind. Okay, so I’m not a working professional, but I AM someone who has a difficult time coming down to campus several times per week (have you seen the cost of Daycare?!). Not to mention that job security with a degree like this is probably pretty good. There will always be natural disasters. Whether you believe in Global warming or the last days (and really, I’m thinking these are probably one and the same) there will be a need for leaders who specialize in emergency management. Also, Isaac said that this is probably a better fit for me anyway. He said that I talk more about emergency preparedness than I do Psychology. He said it shows in the gifts I give people. Which is so true. I have actually made and given first time mothers 72 hour kits for their babies. (I am such a nerd!)
I meet with the head of the program this Friday. The deadline to apply is April 1st. I just hope I can get everything turned in on time. I’m putting this up on my blog because I know that very few people read this. But I probably won’t officially announce my plan to go to graduate school this year until I have actually been accepted. The program starts in July, just in time for me to be in school full time so that I can defer my student loans again. Which means, I won’t have to get a full time job until Enoch is in Elementary School. WOOT! Cross your fingers and pray that I get accepted, ok?
I am still the primary chorister, and I am back to singing with the nursery children too. Did you know that I have had music callings, and ONLY music callings for the past 5 years? Did you know that since turning 18 and entering into Young Women’s, I have NEVER had a calling in Young Women’s? Kinda funny huh? We have a new bishopric in our ward now, and Isaac was called to be executive secretary. I am excited for him. Sunday mornings are even more of a pain now that he has to be at meetings at 6 am, leaving me to get 4 boys ready for church by myself. (Oh and add daylight savings and a head cold to that. This morning was AWFUL!) But I think this new calling will be good for him. He still has his other two callings, and we were told that they aren’t planning on releasing him any time soon.
I am still singing the Chorale. I enjoy it so much. I’ve been going to stake choir lately, and it just isn’t as much fun. The music is roughly the same style, but the atmosphere isn’t as nice. Next week is stake conference, so I only have one more practice left of stake choir to deal with. But I love going to sing in the chorale. My spirits are always lifted by the time I leave. We are preparing for a concert coming up, and also for a tour back east this summer. I’m really nervous about this trip, because it is VERY expensive. But I am excited too. I have never been to Boston, or New York City, Or Connecticut, AND I get to stay with Ben and Jill and their cuties. Ammon is going to come with me too. I am really excited for this trip.
Enoch has started speech therapy and it seems to be going well. He is imitating vowel sounds a lot more now, although his vocabulary is still limited. He has another appointment this Tuesday.
Well, I am going to get off now. It is getting really late. But I am going to try to update my blog more often. Even if no one else reads it, it is probably good for me to record what is going on in our lives.
Recently I found a master’s program in Crisis and Emergency Management through the Greenspun College of Urban Affairs over at UNLV that is mostly online and on weekends. The program was designed with working professionals in mind. Okay, so I’m not a working professional, but I AM someone who has a difficult time coming down to campus several times per week (have you seen the cost of Daycare?!). Not to mention that job security with a degree like this is probably pretty good. There will always be natural disasters. Whether you believe in Global warming or the last days (and really, I’m thinking these are probably one and the same) there will be a need for leaders who specialize in emergency management. Also, Isaac said that this is probably a better fit for me anyway. He said that I talk more about emergency preparedness than I do Psychology. He said it shows in the gifts I give people. Which is so true. I have actually made and given first time mothers 72 hour kits for their babies. (I am such a nerd!)
I meet with the head of the program this Friday. The deadline to apply is April 1st. I just hope I can get everything turned in on time. I’m putting this up on my blog because I know that very few people read this. But I probably won’t officially announce my plan to go to graduate school this year until I have actually been accepted. The program starts in July, just in time for me to be in school full time so that I can defer my student loans again. Which means, I won’t have to get a full time job until Enoch is in Elementary School. WOOT! Cross your fingers and pray that I get accepted, ok?
I am still the primary chorister, and I am back to singing with the nursery children too. Did you know that I have had music callings, and ONLY music callings for the past 5 years? Did you know that since turning 18 and entering into Young Women’s, I have NEVER had a calling in Young Women’s? Kinda funny huh? We have a new bishopric in our ward now, and Isaac was called to be executive secretary. I am excited for him. Sunday mornings are even more of a pain now that he has to be at meetings at 6 am, leaving me to get 4 boys ready for church by myself. (Oh and add daylight savings and a head cold to that. This morning was AWFUL!) But I think this new calling will be good for him. He still has his other two callings, and we were told that they aren’t planning on releasing him any time soon.
I am still singing the Chorale. I enjoy it so much. I’ve been going to stake choir lately, and it just isn’t as much fun. The music is roughly the same style, but the atmosphere isn’t as nice. Next week is stake conference, so I only have one more practice left of stake choir to deal with. But I love going to sing in the chorale. My spirits are always lifted by the time I leave. We are preparing for a concert coming up, and also for a tour back east this summer. I’m really nervous about this trip, because it is VERY expensive. But I am excited too. I have never been to Boston, or New York City, Or Connecticut, AND I get to stay with Ben and Jill and their cuties. Ammon is going to come with me too. I am really excited for this trip.
Enoch has started speech therapy and it seems to be going well. He is imitating vowel sounds a lot more now, although his vocabulary is still limited. He has another appointment this Tuesday.
Well, I am going to get off now. It is getting really late. But I am going to try to update my blog more often. Even if no one else reads it, it is probably good for me to record what is going on in our lives.
Tuesday, October 22, 2013
hard decisions in life
I'm graduating soon, and the other day figured I would go to the career fair at school to see what was being offered. There was one company there that had potential, but wasn't really in my field. I gave them my resume, but didn't really think much of it.
I received a call back from that company on Friday for a possible job interview. I was excited. I kept thinking of how we MIGHT be able to pay off the car, and some student loans, and pay for graduate school, etc. Money has been tight around here for a while. It's amazing how expensive kids are, and how expensive everything has become. But there was a sense of uneasiness in the back of my mind. I tried talking it up to family, trying to get myself excited about it. But I just wasn't. Part of me was dreading calling them back about a job interview. I kept thinking about the cost of full-time daycare for two children, and part time for one. How was I going to get Hyrum to school? I'd have to quit choir and teaching piano. I wouldn't be able to do graduate school if I'm working full time. And what about when the kids get sick? There's 4 of them, and it seems that usually one of them gets sick. The house would never be clean. And even if I made the same amount as Isaac makes, it would all be going into day care for three children. But there is the possibility of paying back some loans too.....
I was just about to call the man back, when the baby woke up. I played with him for a moment while I silently prayed for guidance. I know we should be working to get out of debt and become more stable financially. But I also know that really truely, I need to be home with my kids. Going to a baby sitters for a couple hours two or three times a week is one thing. Being gone from 8-5 every single day is another.
So I am going to continue being a stay at home mom. I have 4 little boys who need their mom right now. I'm going to continue trying to get into graduate school, and I'm going to study hard once I get in. Perhaps I'll work part time as a TA. Perhaps I'll get more piano students. But I don't think that school and a full time job is a good thing for my kids right now. My goal is to hold off on working full time for a few more years. At least untill Enoch is in Kindergarten or first grade, and I only have to pay for one child to go to preschool.
I just made the hard decision to be a stay at home mom. And despite the looming student loans that will be due next year, it feels like the right decision.
I received a call back from that company on Friday for a possible job interview. I was excited. I kept thinking of how we MIGHT be able to pay off the car, and some student loans, and pay for graduate school, etc. Money has been tight around here for a while. It's amazing how expensive kids are, and how expensive everything has become. But there was a sense of uneasiness in the back of my mind. I tried talking it up to family, trying to get myself excited about it. But I just wasn't. Part of me was dreading calling them back about a job interview. I kept thinking about the cost of full-time daycare for two children, and part time for one. How was I going to get Hyrum to school? I'd have to quit choir and teaching piano. I wouldn't be able to do graduate school if I'm working full time. And what about when the kids get sick? There's 4 of them, and it seems that usually one of them gets sick. The house would never be clean. And even if I made the same amount as Isaac makes, it would all be going into day care for three children. But there is the possibility of paying back some loans too.....
I was just about to call the man back, when the baby woke up. I played with him for a moment while I silently prayed for guidance. I know we should be working to get out of debt and become more stable financially. But I also know that really truely, I need to be home with my kids. Going to a baby sitters for a couple hours two or three times a week is one thing. Being gone from 8-5 every single day is another.
So I am going to continue being a stay at home mom. I have 4 little boys who need their mom right now. I'm going to continue trying to get into graduate school, and I'm going to study hard once I get in. Perhaps I'll work part time as a TA. Perhaps I'll get more piano students. But I don't think that school and a full time job is a good thing for my kids right now. My goal is to hold off on working full time for a few more years. At least untill Enoch is in Kindergarten or first grade, and I only have to pay for one child to go to preschool.
I just made the hard decision to be a stay at home mom. And despite the looming student loans that will be due next year, it feels like the right decision.
Friday, July 19, 2013
Summer Time
Life has slowed down this summer THANK GOODNESS! No school for any of us, no piano lessons, no choir. I put the boys in a Saturday morning Karate class out at the Rec center, and they also had swimming lessons for about a week before Tabatha went off to college. Now I spend my days cleaning, making food, reading with the boys, reading on my own, going to the library, planning grad school, swimming, etc. It's such a nice change of pace.
The boys are enjoying Karate. This coming Saturday is their last day, and Ammon didn't want to enroll again, but Hyrum did. I sit there and watch them and try to learn the moves as well so that I can help them when we get home. Hyrum has learned some very important things about Karate, like Always eat breakfast before going, always bring your glasses or else you can't see the instructor very well, and pretending that you are hurt when you don't know how to do the steps because you were daydreaming doesn't work with mom around.
As for swim lessons, they didn't have enough time to really learn how to swim, but they are getting off of the steps and playing now, which is nice. We put Zion in the pool and he cried at first, but then he got used to the water and decided he liked it. His uncoordinated two month old self kicked and kicked with joy. Enoch has lost the fearlessness he had around water last summer, and basically just wants me to hold him the whole time. If I put him on the steps and swim away, he gets out of the pool and follows me around whining for me to hold him again. Thanks to him, I haven't done any laps this summer like I wanted to. ;)
I have an agreement with Ammon that if he reads 100 books this summer, I'll take him to the Adventure dome at Circus Circus. He's on book 17 I think. We've got a ways to go.
Isaac's truck broke down on the free way yesterday. I was playing with the boys in their room, building a house out of Legos when he called me, and so I had to drop everything and go get him. $100 later, the truck is now across the street from our house and we don't know what is wrong with it. I really want it to last 3 more years, so we can pay off the van and then sell the truck and buy a new vehicle for Isaac. I hope that whatever repairs the truck needs do not cost more than the worth of the truck, otherwise we'll be selling it and buying a new vehicle sooner than planned. Poor Isaac. The only good thing Is that now Isaac is taking the van to and from work and has air-conditioning (the conditioner on his truck had gone out a couple weeks ago too). It's so hot out right now, I am constantly worried about him getting sick while driving the truck.
Enoch's speaking is coming a long. I still haven't gotten him in to see a speech therapist, but he is saying mama and dada now, along with Bubu (bubbles), uh-oh, and a few other small words. He usually points and babbles or signs for things that he wants. He LOVES Zion, and will occasionally pet him softly to show that he likes him. Zion can smile now and we all get a kick out of seeing him smile.
Isaac had got an award the other day at work for being the newest member at RJA. We all found this hilarious, because he's been with RJA for 5 years now. Still he got a new camcorder as an award, which is nice. The kids are looking forward to using it to make their own angry birds movies. Speaking of homemade angry bird youtube videos, I'm pretty sure that is where my kids have learned to say some not so nice words. I apologize in advance if my kids say any bad words in the presence of, well, anyone; we're working on it.
Tomorrow is the 4th of July. I really need to get off my butt and go make some mini cheese cakes for it, but I'm just not in the mood. Maybe this afternoon..... ;)
The boys are enjoying Karate. This coming Saturday is their last day, and Ammon didn't want to enroll again, but Hyrum did. I sit there and watch them and try to learn the moves as well so that I can help them when we get home. Hyrum has learned some very important things about Karate, like Always eat breakfast before going, always bring your glasses or else you can't see the instructor very well, and pretending that you are hurt when you don't know how to do the steps because you were daydreaming doesn't work with mom around.
I have an agreement with Ammon that if he reads 100 books this summer, I'll take him to the Adventure dome at Circus Circus. He's on book 17 I think. We've got a ways to go.
Isaac's truck broke down on the free way yesterday. I was playing with the boys in their room, building a house out of Legos when he called me, and so I had to drop everything and go get him. $100 later, the truck is now across the street from our house and we don't know what is wrong with it. I really want it to last 3 more years, so we can pay off the van and then sell the truck and buy a new vehicle for Isaac. I hope that whatever repairs the truck needs do not cost more than the worth of the truck, otherwise we'll be selling it and buying a new vehicle sooner than planned. Poor Isaac. The only good thing Is that now Isaac is taking the van to and from work and has air-conditioning (the conditioner on his truck had gone out a couple weeks ago too). It's so hot out right now, I am constantly worried about him getting sick while driving the truck.
Enoch's speaking is coming a long. I still haven't gotten him in to see a speech therapist, but he is saying mama and dada now, along with Bubu (bubbles), uh-oh, and a few other small words. He usually points and babbles or signs for things that he wants. He LOVES Zion, and will occasionally pet him softly to show that he likes him. Zion can smile now and we all get a kick out of seeing him smile.
Isaac had got an award the other day at work for being the newest member at RJA. We all found this hilarious, because he's been with RJA for 5 years now. Still he got a new camcorder as an award, which is nice. The kids are looking forward to using it to make their own angry birds movies. Speaking of homemade angry bird youtube videos, I'm pretty sure that is where my kids have learned to say some not so nice words. I apologize in advance if my kids say any bad words in the presence of, well, anyone; we're working on it.
Tomorrow is the 4th of July. I really need to get off my butt and go make some mini cheese cakes for it, but I'm just not in the mood. Maybe this afternoon..... ;)
Tuesday, May 21, 2013
Zion's Birth Story (It's long)
Our baby is here!!
The night before, which was Thursday the 11th of April, We celebrated Hyrum's 5th birthday. He was such a trooper. I used a pen, lined notebook paper, some green eyeshadow and nursing tape to make him a banner that said happy birthday, and I put it up in my room, along with a couple drawings of angry bird PIGS. I then Saved him the piece of chocolate cake that came with my lunch tray. He was so happy. We played UNO and read from Farmer Boy. Mom and Dad came to the hospital as well, and we opened up presents. He got a scooter, and rode it back and forth across my room. He didn't mind at all that his birthday party had no kids and that it was in the hosptial. In fact, I think he found it to be cool.
The next morning was to be Zion's birthday! I woke up with the line from Finding Nemo in my head, "Todays the day! The sun is shining, the tank is clean, and we are getting out of here!" I actually put a link to that scene on facebook because it totally summed up my feelings that morning (and I think it's a pretty funny scene).
I got some homework done and turned it in while I was waiting for c-section time. The c-section got pushed back to 2:15pm. The anasteisiologist, Dr. Moore finally came in to give me the epidural. He had to try two times to get it in. I cried. Not gonna lie. It sucked.
Dr Harter came in and asked if I needed anything before we went in. I was starting to feel really scared, so I asked him to assist Isaac in giving me a blessing. He smiled and told me that his next question was going to be whether or not I had gotton one. So he and Isaac gave me a blessing, and then I was wheeled over to the main OR. Dr. Brewer, the gynocologist-oncologist was there to take over if something went wrong. The perinates were trying to get Dr. Speirtos to assist with the surgery, but he was too busy. I guess most of the time, when they call the oncologist to come in and assist, nothing happens and they don't end up needing the oncologist's help. Dr. Spiertos said to just keep him on-call, and he would come in IF they needed him. Well, that wasn't good enough for Dr. Harter. So, he got Dr. Brewer to come in. It is SUCH a good thing that he did too. Because I was a worse case senario. The placenta had grown THROUGH the uterus, and into the bladder. And when the placenta came off, it took the uterus and the bladder with it. I was hemoraging, and they had to do an emergency histerectomy and bladder surgery. They had to cut through the placenta to get Zion out, so he lost blood too. His lungs weren't completely developed like we thought they would be, so he was rushed over to the nicu (he spent 2 weeks in the NICU).
The epidural wasn't working in one area, over by my right ovary. I could feel pain. I kept asking for something, and Dr. Moore told me they were going to give me something to sedate me. That wasn't really what I wanted. I was then totally loopy, going in and out of sleep, but I could still feel the pain. But I kept hearing him yell out, "BLOOD! She needs more Blood! Get it over here!" I was bleeding pretty badly. Dr. Harter said that they were finally able at one point to give me something to help me clot, and he said it was as if Someone on the other side took over at that point. All of a sudden, all the bleed just...stopped. I stablized and the Drs. were able to do the surgery. I got 6 units of blood and plasma during surgery, two more in post-op, and two more in post partum.
I didn't get to see Zion at all untill a couple of days later. When they pulled him out, he was surrounded by Drs and Nurses, so I couldnt even see him. Part of me really wanted to see him, but part of me was so stressed out, tired, drugged etc, that I didn't strain myself to get a glimpse. I figured they would show me the baby before they sent him down to the NICU. It was around this time that I had been given the stuff to sedate me, and Isaac thought I was already out, so he told the nurses to just go ahead and bring Zion to the NICU. Okay. Major miscommunication there, but oh well.
I was vaguely aware of what was going on in the OR. I knew that they were doing a hysterectomy. I didn't know that it had gone into my bladder until later on in Post-op. I remember being wheeled out of the room, but I don't remember going into post-op. I remember trying to talk to my mom, but I couldn't get out much more than a whisper. She told me that the baby was 6lbs 15oz, 21 inches long, and in the NICU, and that I had a hysterectomy and bladder surgery. Then the male nurse I had told her that she had to leave. Neither of us were very happy about that. Isaac was there next, and I asked him what time it was. He said 8:30. 8:30?! I went in the OR at 2:15!!! He told me that the surgery was 3 1/2 hours long. I thought I had been awake for all of it, but CLEARLY I had not been. Good ol meds.
Isaac was kicked out too, and I saw my Father-in-Law. I have no Idea what he said to me, I was too druged at that point, and I kept going in and out of sleep.
I woke up around Midnight, in pain. The nurses in post-op wouldn't give me anything for it, claiming they didn't have an order for pain meds. They kept telling me, "we're going to call Dr. Brewer." I was thinking, "well, why aren't you calling her then?!" It took them 45 mins to call Dr. Brewer, and another 15 mins to give me the medication. Laying in a bed for over an hour right after MAJOR surgery, with NO pain medication..... I mean, don't tell me that you are GOING to call the doctor. ACTUALLY CALL THE DOCTOR! I could barely talk, and there was no family there with me to advocate for me. The lady in the bed next to me was the one hounding on the nurses to actually help me. Let me just say that it was THE WORST night of my LIFE!
They finally wheeled me over to Intermediate Care, and I spent the next two days there. Mom and Dad and Isaac were there with me. I spend a lot of time going in and out of sleep. I was soooo weak. One of my antepartum/postpartum nurses from downstairs, a beautiful lady named Silve, came up to see me. She was trying really hard to get me back down to postpartum so that she and the other nurses who had been taking care of me for the past month could continue to take care of me. Things weren't going so well for me in IMC, and I wanted to go back down to post partum so badly. The nurses had become my friends, I loved them and I knew I could trust them. Once I was off of oxygen I was allowed to go back down to post partum.
The post partum nurses all cheered for me when I was brought back down. The night shift nurses came in and asked for the details on the birth. I felt like I was back home, surrounded by those who I knew would care for me the best. I also got to be wheeled over to the NICU to see Zion. He was in an incubator, but having been through all this with Enoch, it didn't really bother me. I knew he'd be fine.
After about 5 days of post partum, they sent me home. It was rather weird for me. I felt fine for the first 5 weeks of being in the hospital, but I had to stay because of the possibility of bleeding out (and turns out, I probably would have ruptured had I stayed home/gone to school/church etc.) Now that I was done with surgery, and feeling horrible, I get to go home. It just felt so backwards. But I wasn't in any danger anymore, so home I went. I spent the next two weeks going back and forth between the house and the NICU so that I could breast feed Zion. He had a couple breathing issues and wasn't gaining weight, but finally was able to come home as well.
I got to come home with a catheter, which is NOT FUN! Isaac tried to make me feel better by telling me that I now know what it is like to be a guy, since I had to stand up to go pee. It was pretty funny. Except that because of the catheter I got an infection. One that I am still trying to fight off 5 1/2 weeks later. I am still having follow up appointments with Dr. Harter and Dr. Brewer. For the most part though I am doing well. I still have dizzy spells when I stand up, it still hurts to pee, and I am tired all the time. But I am driving and cleaning again, and enjoying time with my kids.
Zion is beautiful and healthy. He's pretty gassy, and he has a heat rash right now, so He tends to be a bit fussy, But we sure do enjoy him. All three boys like to hold him.
It's been rough getting him here, but here he is and we are so happy. I am happy to be here also. I am happy to have the priesthood in my life that help to save me while in surgery. I am so thankful for all the help that everyone has given me. God is good. Life is good. Sleep is good.....I think I will take a nap now. ;)
The night before, which was Thursday the 11th of April, We celebrated Hyrum's 5th birthday. He was such a trooper. I used a pen, lined notebook paper, some green eyeshadow and nursing tape to make him a banner that said happy birthday, and I put it up in my room, along with a couple drawings of angry bird PIGS. I then Saved him the piece of chocolate cake that came with my lunch tray. He was so happy. We played UNO and read from Farmer Boy. Mom and Dad came to the hospital as well, and we opened up presents. He got a scooter, and rode it back and forth across my room. He didn't mind at all that his birthday party had no kids and that it was in the hosptial. In fact, I think he found it to be cool.
The next morning was to be Zion's birthday! I woke up with the line from Finding Nemo in my head, "Todays the day! The sun is shining, the tank is clean, and we are getting out of here!" I actually put a link to that scene on facebook because it totally summed up my feelings that morning (and I think it's a pretty funny scene).
I got some homework done and turned it in while I was waiting for c-section time. The c-section got pushed back to 2:15pm. The anasteisiologist, Dr. Moore finally came in to give me the epidural. He had to try two times to get it in. I cried. Not gonna lie. It sucked.
Dr Harter came in and asked if I needed anything before we went in. I was starting to feel really scared, so I asked him to assist Isaac in giving me a blessing. He smiled and told me that his next question was going to be whether or not I had gotton one. So he and Isaac gave me a blessing, and then I was wheeled over to the main OR. Dr. Brewer, the gynocologist-oncologist was there to take over if something went wrong. The perinates were trying to get Dr. Speirtos to assist with the surgery, but he was too busy. I guess most of the time, when they call the oncologist to come in and assist, nothing happens and they don't end up needing the oncologist's help. Dr. Spiertos said to just keep him on-call, and he would come in IF they needed him. Well, that wasn't good enough for Dr. Harter. So, he got Dr. Brewer to come in. It is SUCH a good thing that he did too. Because I was a worse case senario. The placenta had grown THROUGH the uterus, and into the bladder. And when the placenta came off, it took the uterus and the bladder with it. I was hemoraging, and they had to do an emergency histerectomy and bladder surgery. They had to cut through the placenta to get Zion out, so he lost blood too. His lungs weren't completely developed like we thought they would be, so he was rushed over to the nicu (he spent 2 weeks in the NICU).
The epidural wasn't working in one area, over by my right ovary. I could feel pain. I kept asking for something, and Dr. Moore told me they were going to give me something to sedate me. That wasn't really what I wanted. I was then totally loopy, going in and out of sleep, but I could still feel the pain. But I kept hearing him yell out, "BLOOD! She needs more Blood! Get it over here!" I was bleeding pretty badly. Dr. Harter said that they were finally able at one point to give me something to help me clot, and he said it was as if Someone on the other side took over at that point. All of a sudden, all the bleed just...stopped. I stablized and the Drs. were able to do the surgery. I got 6 units of blood and plasma during surgery, two more in post-op, and two more in post partum.
I didn't get to see Zion at all untill a couple of days later. When they pulled him out, he was surrounded by Drs and Nurses, so I couldnt even see him. Part of me really wanted to see him, but part of me was so stressed out, tired, drugged etc, that I didn't strain myself to get a glimpse. I figured they would show me the baby before they sent him down to the NICU. It was around this time that I had been given the stuff to sedate me, and Isaac thought I was already out, so he told the nurses to just go ahead and bring Zion to the NICU. Okay. Major miscommunication there, but oh well.
I was vaguely aware of what was going on in the OR. I knew that they were doing a hysterectomy. I didn't know that it had gone into my bladder until later on in Post-op. I remember being wheeled out of the room, but I don't remember going into post-op. I remember trying to talk to my mom, but I couldn't get out much more than a whisper. She told me that the baby was 6lbs 15oz, 21 inches long, and in the NICU, and that I had a hysterectomy and bladder surgery. Then the male nurse I had told her that she had to leave. Neither of us were very happy about that. Isaac was there next, and I asked him what time it was. He said 8:30. 8:30?! I went in the OR at 2:15!!! He told me that the surgery was 3 1/2 hours long. I thought I had been awake for all of it, but CLEARLY I had not been. Good ol meds.
Isaac was kicked out too, and I saw my Father-in-Law. I have no Idea what he said to me, I was too druged at that point, and I kept going in and out of sleep.
I woke up around Midnight, in pain. The nurses in post-op wouldn't give me anything for it, claiming they didn't have an order for pain meds. They kept telling me, "we're going to call Dr. Brewer." I was thinking, "well, why aren't you calling her then?!" It took them 45 mins to call Dr. Brewer, and another 15 mins to give me the medication. Laying in a bed for over an hour right after MAJOR surgery, with NO pain medication..... I mean, don't tell me that you are GOING to call the doctor. ACTUALLY CALL THE DOCTOR! I could barely talk, and there was no family there with me to advocate for me. The lady in the bed next to me was the one hounding on the nurses to actually help me. Let me just say that it was THE WORST night of my LIFE!
They finally wheeled me over to Intermediate Care, and I spent the next two days there. Mom and Dad and Isaac were there with me. I spend a lot of time going in and out of sleep. I was soooo weak. One of my antepartum/postpartum nurses from downstairs, a beautiful lady named Silve, came up to see me. She was trying really hard to get me back down to postpartum so that she and the other nurses who had been taking care of me for the past month could continue to take care of me. Things weren't going so well for me in IMC, and I wanted to go back down to post partum so badly. The nurses had become my friends, I loved them and I knew I could trust them. Once I was off of oxygen I was allowed to go back down to post partum.
The post partum nurses all cheered for me when I was brought back down. The night shift nurses came in and asked for the details on the birth. I felt like I was back home, surrounded by those who I knew would care for me the best. I also got to be wheeled over to the NICU to see Zion. He was in an incubator, but having been through all this with Enoch, it didn't really bother me. I knew he'd be fine.
After about 5 days of post partum, they sent me home. It was rather weird for me. I felt fine for the first 5 weeks of being in the hospital, but I had to stay because of the possibility of bleeding out (and turns out, I probably would have ruptured had I stayed home/gone to school/church etc.) Now that I was done with surgery, and feeling horrible, I get to go home. It just felt so backwards. But I wasn't in any danger anymore, so home I went. I spent the next two weeks going back and forth between the house and the NICU so that I could breast feed Zion. He had a couple breathing issues and wasn't gaining weight, but finally was able to come home as well.
I got to come home with a catheter, which is NOT FUN! Isaac tried to make me feel better by telling me that I now know what it is like to be a guy, since I had to stand up to go pee. It was pretty funny. Except that because of the catheter I got an infection. One that I am still trying to fight off 5 1/2 weeks later. I am still having follow up appointments with Dr. Harter and Dr. Brewer. For the most part though I am doing well. I still have dizzy spells when I stand up, it still hurts to pee, and I am tired all the time. But I am driving and cleaning again, and enjoying time with my kids.
Zion is beautiful and healthy. He's pretty gassy, and he has a heat rash right now, so He tends to be a bit fussy, But we sure do enjoy him. All three boys like to hold him.
It's been rough getting him here, but here he is and we are so happy. I am happy to be here also. I am happy to have the priesthood in my life that help to save me while in surgery. I am so thankful for all the help that everyone has given me. God is good. Life is good. Sleep is good.....I think I will take a nap now. ;)
Monday, April 22, 2013
My feelings right now that I am home
You know all of that determination I had when it came to going to school and getting my homework done? Yeah, it all went out the window when I had a baby. I have NO desire to get my work done now, and the semester is almost over. I keep thinking to myself that I am never going to school the same semester that I am pregnant ever again. Then I remembered that I can't get pregnant any more. And that makes me want to say "screw it" even more to school and go visit my baby in the NICU.
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